Henny Youngman Quotes

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by four o'clock this afternoon.

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.